Sunday, May 13, 2012

Stand my ground

Having my state exam om Wednesday and the degree project defence next Monday…
Am I scared?
Truth or a lie?
The truth is that I am. Even though I have most things ready, gonna learn exam answers by heart and kinda know what to say to all accusations I’m likely to receive concerning the degree video project. Currently fighting to keep the simple name that has just been called “non-journalistic”. Fuck it anyway.
I’m scared of the public appearance. Of our teachers present there trying to make me fail because of some personal reasons. Of questions like “why didn’t you do it another way?” since they have no answer – I did it the way it is now, I made a choice, that’s it.
I’m afraid of accusations of presenting the info too simple, and for editing mistakes I am NOT related to.
I’m scared of the moment itself, if something goes wrong, I won’t be able to do anything…
I’m ashamed to admit that I’d give anything to have someone to hold my hand before it all happens. I’d give my last remaining life (if I had that feature cats have) to get a hug or a few before those happenings.
I’d be the happiest one ever if there was someone to stay with me afterwards. I hate fainting in front of other people, but it’s likely to happen like a few years ago.
Ok, I should say I’m scared shitless, and feel even worse because of understanding I’m alone. I envy other girls whose guys are to come to support them.
…Know what? Weak incomplete bitches. :D
Never mind. I’ll be a man as I always am. Who knows, maybe I’ll even manage peeing on a wall. =)))
I’ll finish it all with either a pass or a fail, will get drunk as fuck afterwards in order to forget, and no one will see my hysterical attack if it happens – I’ll run away as fast as I can. I won’t let strangers see my tears. Too much honor.
No worries,. I’ll deal with it. All in all, I’ve been doing it for the last 6 years. It’s nothing special, just a tad more painful.
I’ll just become a bit weaker after (and if) it’s over. That’s the whole risk.
I’ll do it alone.

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