Thursday, June 21, 2012

Relationships. I'm a nature's freak.

I mostly write personal posts when someone pisses me off. This time isn’t an exclusion, people keep telling me that I’ll grow up and change etc… Guys and girls, I will not.
I admit that I’m a damn freak and a nature’s mistake, but that’s what I am, sorry. You can NOT change me and I’m not willing to change. I’m ok with my beliefs, and it’s not me who has a problem – those people who judge and don’t accept me really do.
I’m asexual. I’m childfree.
I’ve hardly ever made it a secret that I don’t feel like losing virginity, and that I don’t want to piss out a damn baby one day. Babies disgust me, and kids are an annoying burden. For me personally.
On the other hand, I respect girls who want to become mothers and who already are. Lots of my female friends have cute sons and daughters and have remained the same awesome people they’ve been before. I admire http://pushba.livejournal.com/ and http://adorabatbrat.blogspot.com/ who prove that you can be the same beautiful girl after you get married and have kids. Of course this is far from an entire list of inspirations. ^__^
But this path is not for all. It’s just the same as getting pets – why should I have one, if I don’t like them? Why should I get something just because it’s believed all people are obliged to?
Why should I sacrifice the remains of what I have for there sake of something I neither need nor want? Just FYI  -if I decided to give birth, I’d lose eyesight due to a severe retina state.
What is more, I’m not really into taking care of someone – do not mess this up with caring for the loved one. What’s the use of making a kid to hate and possibly torture it? No, thanks. The world would be a better place if children were born in families where they’re expected and loved. :) To people who want them and not those who have been forced to.
This has just been the intro. ))
Another thing I always say is that I’m not an adult woman and don’t want to be one. It IS true, deal with it.
I’m almost the same person I used to be at the age of 14. If I love someone, I do it in just the same way I did back then.
The differences between the current me and the one aged 14 are the following: black hair, obsession with youth-renewal, lots more pain and disappointment, and – not all is bad – the possibility of legal working and having the dream job. Ok, and I guess I’ve improved makeup skills. :D
Then

…and now
Eric Berne, the Canadian psychiatrist, has developed an interesting theory of 3 ego states that I find useful when explaining my attitude to relationships.
According to his approach, the human ego can have 3 states: Parent, when they react to different situation in the same way their parents did, Adult – the state with the most realistic and “cold” approach to stuff happening around, and Child – when a person acts the same way they used to do in certain situations when they were a kid.
Enough of theory.
When at work, I’m definitely type 2, the (holy cows, how much I hate this word!) Adult. I’m usually so cold and indifferent that people think I’m either dumb or drowsy or drugged.
But in a relationship I’m nothing else than in the Child state.  That is one of reasons why I’m into people who are older than me. And stronger too, I don’t mean the physical side only, even more about the mental state.
The other reason of my hatred to the adult woman image guys often put on me is that it mostly includes the stereotype of cunningness, insincerity, stupidity and being opposed to men being worse and less developed. It might sound arrogant, but I’m not like that.If I’m unlucky to fall in love, the other person becomes so dear and sacred for me, that I’d never do anything to push them away. We’re equal. In everything. And my goal is always to make them happy. I think that true love is when both care for each other on the top of their abilities. I’d be happy to get along with their friends, and would gladly introduce The Loved One to mine.
The only attitude I can accept is the one resembling… I’d say a mix of an older brother’s and a best friend’s attitude. Of course I give back as much love as I can produce. The Loved One is everything for me, and it’s offensive when they, taking me as an adult woman, start searching hidden motifs in my words an actions. If I say I love you – I really do! And I wouldn’t start a relationship with a person I don’t find interesting – what would the communication be about, if otherwise?
I love the loved one with the same childish love. Trying to create a fairytale, make it last forever and believing in weird things. Like the one that the Special Person’s kiss might heal any kind of pain. I am able to feel That Person’s anxiety and pain and crawl out of my skin to help. The hardest thing is when they don’t let me come close.
I am demanding though. I have a sting along with a pair of annoying blue sparkly wings. I’ll cry my eyes out if the Special One pays attention to another girl, mocks at me, opposes me to their friends or abuses because of appearance or gender. I can trust enough to let Them check my email and reply to business letters, but I need the same level of trust back. I’ll always listen if they need to talk, but sometimes I need the same. I admit that for the last 6 years I need it more than any living creature can provide. Sorry about that.
I also appreciate it a lot if the Person is… what normal adult girls would call too caring. Being met after the dance classes and work had been my dreams for years, as well as The Loved One’s giving a damn about other issues of mine,  like, for example,  health. I’m crazy enough to ask to go to the doctor with me – people in white with pain-causing tools are one of my biggest fears.
I might call at night because I’ve had a nightmare. And I do appreciate cute nicknames if they’re sincere and have nothing to do with mockery and are not too stupid. Obviously, the Perfect Person for me should be in the Parent ego state. LMAO and it doesn’t mean they should be ancient. At least 7 years older is completely ok. It makes me feel protected.
Why this pic?
Because the guy looks like the character I used to draw 4 years ago. :)

You’ll say it looks like that fetish when girls dress and act like little ones, right? Go on and link it with my gothic lolita outfits and trying to have youthful looks. :D And then go right to hell because it has nothing to do with the fetish and acting.
My situation is that I haven’t changed since the times I was 14 – in the sense of feelings and relationships. I’m now less confident and more depressive, but love the same way I used to love back then, and therefore – I need a corresponding attitude to be completely happy.
Sorry if you find my approach offensive. Shut up if you find it impossible. I’ve already been pressured a lot because this way of perception, but this post is actually the first time I’ve tried to explain it all in details.
P.S. I’m also not used to housework. I’m really not skilled for anything of that, and I don’t find the idea of living together appealing. What is more me? Maybe visiting each other for holidays – and spending a week or two together. Of course meeting at any spare minute on all other days isn’t excluded, though I’m afraid to call it a must – just don’t want to scare you.
This is just how things are with me. I admit that I’m ashamed of being me.

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