Thursday, January 19, 2012

You are not gone

Today is also a holiday in Ukraine. But unfortunately it will forever be a sad day for me and some friends.

In the evening of the same day in 2008 I saw my then-gothy friends posting nearly the same things - condolences about someone's death and statements they can't believe it. I was cynical then - thought that some popular goth model has died and all who knew and admired her react to it. But when a post liike that appeared in the blog of a friend who was far from goth...I couldn't help texting her asking what happened.

"Candle is dead" - was the reply. I hardly remember what was next, from what I can get out of memory - I was mad at the friend, told her joking like that is just stupid... Gradually the understanding of bitter truth started coming. But I still can't believe Candle is not here with us anymore.

It's said she committed suicide. I'd never believe. Yes, she got to the 16th floor of her house and then fell down. There were only her footprints in the snow, so no one thinks she was killed. But she wasn't the type of person who would kill herself. To be honest, it was her who once pulled me down from a windowsill when I tried to do something bad. Her message stopped me from doing it. 

I  know we might have not known some sides of her life. I'm also aware that the most risky group of people is of those who are far from being suicidal - because they don't plan it, they just do in case something upsets them strongly. And that's the main danger. But even if something was wrong - didn't she know she could always talk to us? Maybe there was something she couldn't talk about?

I remember the feeling of something unreal, fake, a lie happening in life, when was meeting friends to go to Candle's funeral. Flowers, brightly dressed young people and talks - everything looked just as if we were about to meet like we usually did. The difference was in the place we were heading to, and weeping was there instead of usual laughs and jokes. Candle's parents asked us not to wear black for that day.
Wax-like face, painted lashes... She looked like a doll. I put roses by her feet refusing to accept that the one in the coffin is my friend. And I still can't believe. I want to believe that the photo on the funeral bus was a similar one, but not of Candle. The funeral itself must have only been a nightmare.

The pic above was taken at Tori Fest 2008. As well as the 1st photo in this post. Candle and I first met in real life at rehearsals for the lolitas runway show. Both of us were ero-lolis. :D

But we started talking much earlier, it happened in the Fleur band fans' community at the Russian blogging service - @Diary. We befriended each other there and later took part in the show together. The Tori Fest show was my 1st appearance on stage ever, and we were together.
Yumi and Candle attaching a bow to the epic black balloon
We had similar plans: Candle had a huge balloon and was going to throw it to someone in the audience, and I had an orchid painted blue I was going to hand to someone near the stage. But since the MC fucked up all announcements, the people weren't as close to the stage as we expected.

Candle was a talented photographer. I hate this form of the verb "to be"... I don't want to use it about her...
I look through pics she took of me, and the feeling of lack of the ending appears. As if we've planned something and postponed it, and one day will still fulfil it. She wanted to have a shoot with me, we were also going to have one together.

Just found a photo Candle took when we first met.
 Me: Candle, there are ants on this tree, can't sit here for long!!
Candle: Where else would you be so close to ants? I think there'll be an awesome shot when they get into your undies!

She was taking a pic of me on the stairs of the Historical Museum and my skirt jumped up.
"Orchid, we're not shooting for Suicide Girls! :D"

Candle came up with an idea to have a pic of my husband and me with different expressions - Kamijo was to smile while I was planned to be frowned... And here's what we got:

I couldn't help laughing, it always happens when I need to pose. "Think of something sad" - Candle suggested. I did - and laughed even harder. As far as I remember this is the only normal pic from that on-the-spot shoot. Candle said the rest were blurry and crazy-faced. =))
And this is the last photo she took of me. The winter meet-up in January of 2008 was the last time I saw her alive. It was cold as hell then. She left earlier because of an exam on the next day. She was wearing a new coat of the 'electric blue' color. And an eyebrow piercing. And the kitty earring. Her makeup was also in matching blue.

We remember and love you Candle. I just wonder - why does God need that many angels?...


  1. I'm sure she would be happy with a friend like you

    1. We enjoyed each other's company. In fact our old hangout broke up shortly after she passed away. As if our guardian angel moved to another place but awayy from us...

  2. awwwww, im sorry about your friend sweetie! i miss you as much as you miss her!! <3 - Drake