Friday, November 26, 2010

Shame #2

And again I did something I'm not good in.I just didn't care about what the others think. What is more, the male audience cheered me up and it was enough.

Mokona helped me to get my lazy ass off the sofa and we went to a club. DJ Marika Rossa is also into Japanese street fashion and cosplay, and it was her b-day yesterday. When it was time for Marika to play, there arose an idea to let us out on the stage as go-go dancers, or whatever that is called...

Leather trousers became wet, hair tangled and also I killed my bracelet. Some girl showed me a "thumb down" sign, and I answered her with a "fuck you". Guys were happy and I smiled to them. Still I'm unsatisfied with my performance this time, and there are reasons for this. My blood pressure decided to cosplay a kangaroo - I didn't hear the music, my head wasn't working about making up new moves. I could hardly stand on my feet, but I did everything not to let anyone notice sth is wrong.

When we had a break I told Mokona about that girl. To be honest, her sign kicked my confidence. Thanks to Mokona for her "Fuck the glamour bitch, she wants to be in your place. Remember how the guys reacted?" - it made me feel better, and after a glass of water we went on the stage again for another 30 minutes. =)

I'm also very grateful to my friend Valera who works at that club for his support, mood and help. It always makes me feel more confident when friends are around. It's also him who led us to the stage when the securities said it's not allowed to dance where we were at first.

LOL I still can't get why the Soviet mentality is so strong here even though many years have passed. The security couldn't tell why it is forbidden, he only smiled looking guilty (here is where I felt sorry for him) and said it's "an order from above".

I arrived home at 4 in the morning. A coffee and then sleep. Of course I overslept classes and I feel guilty now. I think it is something all people who study well have. I feel guilty when I break the rules even if I know I can manage it.
Now it's time to get ready for work. Studying is definitely like a s**t on the road in my confidence's way. I accept the fact I have it on a very low level, and the fear of punishment kills it even more. I wish our system of education made more emphasis on supporting instead of raising young people like they do now. Their "raising young people" like older kids is nothing else than breaking you and creating what they want. Well, it's mostly like that.

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