I should confess I'm an addict.

No, I don't mean drugs, those chemicals that make people stupid and disgusting. I've never tried and am not planning to, and wouldn't advise that to any of you, whatever popular that crap might be in certain hangouts.I am addicted to another thing.

WARNING! This post reveals some personal stuff not much appreciated in public blogs, so don't read if it pisses you off.

I've recently developed a sewing delirium. And just came up with understanding and therefore an explanation of why it's this way. (a bit OT - mum just said: "You're always sewing something! >_<", I know it makes her angry at times because sewing = mess.)

Some of my readers know about a painful loss that happened in my life in 2006. It wasn't a death though the feeling was even worse - a death doesn't usually involve an emotional and mental slaughtering I've experienced.

To tell in short and not to get too deep into killing memories I will only say that in spring of 2006 I  had to undergo 2 eye surgeries, looked perfect enough to vomit all intestines, without makeup etc. It was hot outside and I wasn't wearing freaky clothes, what is more - in 2006 it was almost impossible to get them in Ukraine. I didn't know anything about internet shopping and even how to download music. I didn't have internet at home, stop giggling if you are! ^__~

There were older and more experienced goths who probably knew all the secrets I know now. They wandered around the city looking awesome. I used to think so.

A very close person showed them to me telling I should look like that, asked to search for more proper clothes, learn to do makeup and get more shoes adding he's already sick of the only pair of New Rock I have. *now I know that most New Rocks go with rocker/biker styles and not Antiquity Goth AT ALL!*

 Remember what stroke is forbidden in boxing? As far as I remember boxers aren't allowed to hit each other on the brains below the waistline. This is used as a saying when one person hits the other one unexpectedly and almost fatally. In all possible meanings, both physically and mentally. A stroke like this was done to me at the biggest goth festival in Ukraine. "Know what? You're the worst-looking girl at the whole event!" - I heard this from the close person and started thinking... "See that girl? You should look like her!" - this phrase that followed made me think even more. The final slap came in about a month but these facts don't matter in what I wanted to say in this post.

One year for recovery, and the following one was marked with graduation from school. We have a tradition of a graduation ball and of course all girls do their best to look cool and search for the best dresses they can imagine.

The dress I had was something I called ero-lolita, though modern lolita girls would eat me for saying it. LOL ))) *sweethearts I'm not tasty, I have coffee inside*

I bought it at a...fetish shop. Updated with blue ribbons and a longer petticoat I ordered from a designer separately. All accessories and the bag were made by me, and even though they're far from perfection I can call them my 1st sewing experience.

Not the best photo, posted it just to show the bag

Earrings and choker by me, makeup by Tanya

 I posted these pics to the Russian EGL community in it's friendliest times - now they'd kill me for calling this lolita - and was noticed by Dio who invited me to participate in the lolitas fashion show at Tori Fest of 2008. By the way it was then when I met half of the company I'm hanging out with these years. :)

I made new hair bows for that show, but most girls have sewn their whole outfits by themselves. It seemed a mystery to me, I always considered sewing more complicated than writing in Chinese.

The next party came in February, and I thought: why can't I try sewing if my friends are doing it? Patterning still scared me to death, so the detail shapes of my 1st and the most complicated dress were made by a professional seamstress.

Granny and aunt were a bit surprised about my choosing such a complicated piece of clothing as my first one, but eventually we made it together. The last stitches were done in the morning of the party day and I headed there having slept for about 2 hours.

Pic from that party, the clearest one of the dress. Later I changed the lacing to black.

 It's been an interesting experience, sewing turned out to be a cool hobby and I decided to take it up. The next project was a leather outfit for the Yaoi Yuri Party, then a wedding dress for last year's Tori Fest and lots more followed. The wedding one was the first dress made by myself completely, and later I understood how to update the sleeved dress pattern to fit me perfectly. I started getting something I call "sewing intuition" - it's when you somehow know how to solve sewing difficulties even though you've never read about it.

Now a party is strongly associated with sewing, and I cannot go anywhere if I haven't made a new dress. Ok, at least new hairclips should be made. :)

Later I understood I feel uncomfortable if I am not sewing anything at the moment. I've come up with an idea to make everyday clothes, re-making something old etc. I feel incomplete if nothing is in process.

I think it's a footprint of that situation: I'm struggling hard not to look worse than the other freaky people and, whatever shame it might be,I'm desperate about being noticed... In all possible positive ways. Kind words I hear in relation to what I make help me move forward.

P.S. Why can't I have the same with writing? I think it's because there are too many people who'll definitely call it crap whatever cool it might be. Either because of envy or to "keep you away from star sickness".